God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
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To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I triple waxed for this?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*