Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Breaking news:
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
The struggle is real