My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The symmetry is uncanny.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?