It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
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Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Vodka burrito was a success
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.