My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂