Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster