is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
What flavor cupcake are these
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”