Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Name another movie that mislead you?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.