Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
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Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
what’s more important?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?