I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Body by cheese-puffs.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.