A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
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People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
What?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.