When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve