Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe