major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
mom had nothing to worry about
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Merry Christmas
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.