You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
How long do you have to wait between naps?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings