POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…