[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”