Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Well, this is awkward
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.