How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The only equipped I am is ill.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Did a trash talking tree write this?