Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…