When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
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My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.