[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”