Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.