ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
still the best tweet of the year by far
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”