Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
This is a whole mood;
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.