*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The Others (2001)
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.