Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.