OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
You Might Also Like
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.