rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!