FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life