No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there