A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.