*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
You Might Also Like
My neck, my back, my…
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
they split up moments later
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.