He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal