I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?