I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!