Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*