Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
You Might Also Like
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.