me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
this is the best interaction on twitter
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.