Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.