I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I didn’t come here to be called names
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please