SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Probably my best painting.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
dads on road-trips be like
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up