Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him