Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
You Might Also Like
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
💯😂
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”