[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
When can I start eating bats again.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”