I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
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These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Seas the day!!!!
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.