I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.