*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
You Might Also Like
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley