Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
*frowns in Scottish*
Gemma Correll
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken