“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.